According to my sources who are former employees of Yakult,(i tried to videotaped my interviews with them kaso, they don't want to steal the thunder from KC and DJ Mo' and for that I respected their delusions of grandeur)"Wala raw 1.5 na Yakult dahil yung size daw ng Yakult e yun lang ang tamang rami ng Yakult na kailangan ng katawan para sa isang araw." (I am quoting verbatim the revelation of the first interviewee. She seemed so tensed as if she committed a heinous crime when she spilled the beans. Eh hindi naman Paranormal Activity ang ginagawa namin, lalo namang hindi video scandal. Mga Pinoy nga naman, di marunong gumamit ng panghalip, look how many times she mentioned Yakult. Baka akala nya nasa TV ad sya.)
The second reason as revealed by a former CEO, (who had successfully smuggled one drum of Yakult), "hindi raw kayang mabuhay ng lacto baccili shirota strain in any container bigger than the Yakult vial." He tried to experiment and when he drank Yakult directly from the drum, he felt something nasty (pakiramdam nya, para daw sya siyang si Neo nang nilagyan sya ni Mr. Anderson ng electronic bug sa pusod). While I was interviewing him i saw some of disturbing behaviors that kept me alarmed:
1. Disintegration of the skin. Check.
2. Seizures every 5 minutes. Check.
3. Discoloration of eyelids. Check.
4. Bloodshot eyes. Check.
5. Rabid, panic-aggressiveness. Check.
6. Numbing of extremities. Check.
7. Loss of muscular coordination. Check.
8. Mag-excursion ya wawa. Check.
9. Looped chantings. Check.
10. Slurred speech. Check.
11. Infected wound. (He revealed that he got it after drinking Yakult from the drum)
I advised the man to take a rest and had him confined in my room. (Gee, I should have videotaped the interview, this could be a worthy addition of one episode on Walking Dead Season 3). I locked the door and immediately grab Max Brooks' The Zombie Survival Guide and perused the book while logging in his symptoms. My fears are becoming real!
Hour 1: Pain and discoloration (brown-purple) of the infected area. Immediate clotting of the wound.
Hour 5: Fever (99-103 degrees F), chills, slight dementia, vomiting, acute pain in the joints.
Hour 8: Numbing of the extremities and infected area, increased fever (103-106 degrees F), increased dementia, loss of muscular coordination.
Hour 11: Paralysis in the lower body, overall numbness, slowed heart rate.
Hour 16: Coma.
Hour 20: Heart stoppage. Zero brain activity.
Hour 23: Reanimation
After 24 hours, I left him and watched DJ Mo's revelation on Youtube which for me is more menacing than the zombie in my room.
28 Days Later, there he was leading the pack. I wasn't in the picture because they didn't want to do a wacky pose! Napaka-kill joy ng mga kumag!
28 Weeks Later, hordes of mindless zombies continued to dominate the world! Sorry guys, natabunan si GMA, sayang di natin sya nakita, pero my friend Rick Warren swore that it was her. Naka-neck brace daw sya and she was chanting "I'm Sorry."
What about me? There I was, in my Asian glory, running from the hordes, looking for a nearby drugstore!
In case the outbreak comes near your place, it helps to remember these 10 tips from Max Brooks to survive the infestation.
1. Organize before they rise!
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: cut off theirs.
4. Blades don't need reloading.
5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!
9. No place is safe, only safer.
10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.
Moral of the story: Bumili ng lang ng Yakult sa inyong suking botika. Huwag magnanakaw!
